January 2012
1 post
7 things to do when the office is closed
7. Sit back, relax, and check your work email.
6. Plan how you’ll passionately defend yourself at your next performance review.
5. Feel guilty about not checking your work email more often.
4. Get angry at people who aren’t responding to your work emails, esp. those marked “urgent.”
3. Call the office to make sure it is actually closed, and that you havent been the...
October 2011
2 posts
September 2011
3 posts
June 2011
1 post
May 2011
1 post
“I’d like to name my kid a whole phrase, you know, something like ‘Ladies and...”
– Martin Luther King Jr. (via fakemlkquotes)
March 2011
2 posts
Today we are all Midwesterners
Or maybe that’s just me.
7 Reasons Why I’m Moving to Chicago
I’m moving from New York to Chicago at the end of this week. Why? I’ll tell you why. I want to live around more women who look like Nancy Grace.
New York winters are too mild for me.
I’ve just got to see what this crazy Rahm Emanuel guy does next!
Two words: George Wendt.
There are just too many vegetarian options here.
Two more words: Asian carp.
This town just isn’t big enough...
February 2011
2 posts
January 2011
2 posts
7 Rejected Mobster Names
John John “Double John” Picaletti
Salvatore “It’s Not Delivery” DiGiorno
Edward “Two Kids” Corwin DDS
Mickie “Calls the Cops”
Geordi “LaVar Burton” La Forge
Joey “Bacterial Vaginosis” Metronidazolé
Vinnie “Tootie from Facts of Life” Scalfani
An Open Letter to the Gentleman in the Purple...
Dr. Gentleman in the Purple Scarf,
While exiting the subway station near my house this morning I sneezed. It was an unexpected sneeze. It kind of came out of nowhere. It was not a spectacular or noteworthy sneeze. Just a sneeze.
Now, as the father of two small children, and the husband of a public health professional, I am well aware of the need to cover one’s mouth while sneezing. This is...
December 2010
2 posts
Science Trivia Time!
Q: How do elephants hear through their feet?
A: Poorly.
“Santa is coming down the chimney, and right in to your mouth!”
– Best. Holiday. Ad. Idea. Ever.
November 2010
15 posts
Bella,
twiprov:
This is your father. Glad you’re excited about your show tomorrow night. Just wanted to remind you I put a new can of pepper spray in your purse. In case one of those improvisers gets any fresh ideas.
Ok. That’s all.
Dad.
PS. Say out of the woods. You don’t want to get mauled by a wild animal.
7 Reasons to See Twiprov This Saturday
You like improv, but you wish it had more Mormon undertones.
You’re looking for something to kill the time between your Twilight themed knitting circle and your Twilight themed bowling league.
Those other “cool” improv shows made fun of your Team Jacob button and stuffed you in your locker.
I’m in it.
Kristen Stewart isn’t.
True Bloodprov is just too racy for...
WatchHere is the first trailer for The Authority, a new web series starring me! And by “starring” I mean look closely and you can kinda see me.
I’m so famous!
Dear Jacob,
twiprov:
I know I’m hurting Edward by writing to you, but I miss you terribly… I wish you would forgive me and come to my show.. I knitted you a sweater, I hope it will fit your huge biceps… Did I remember to turn off the oven?
Hey Jake. So, I’m having this show on Saturday, November 13th, at The PIT. No big deal, but it would mean a lot if you could make it. It’s at 7pm.
Ardently and forever...
7 Heavy Metal Band Names
Just in case you need one of those.
Caucus
Eczëma
Silent Film
Flautist
Hönest Mistäke
Jewish Priest
Baby GAP
October 2010
25 posts
Last Minute Costume Ideas
Still don’t have a Halloween costume? Good luck finding one now. Here are a few options that you can pull off without much preparation.
Werewolf (pre-transformation)
Identity theft victim
Single issue voter
Starbucks customer
Aspiring screenwriter
Naked (your name here)
A clone of yourself
7 Things You Shouldn't Eat at an All Night Buffet
Toenails
Tables, chairs, or other peices of furniture
500 sugar packets (Think of your teeth!)
Saw blades
“Sweet and sour poop”
A baby
Food
7 Things You Shouldn't Do Drunk:
Drive
Ride a bike
Your taxes
Blog, Vlog, Tweet, Knit, etc.
Have sex with animals*
Put your Social Security Number on Facebook
Pills**
* Seriously Guys. I shouldn’t have to say this. You should never, under any circumstances, have sex with animals. Being drunk doesn’t excuse this behavior.
** Very Important!!
7 Things You Never Want to Hear During Sex
“They’ve just reinstated the draft.”
“Viral hepatitis is a silent killer.”
“The Germans have invaded Poland!”
“The building is on fire and all the exits are blocked! We’re trapped!”
“The earth is about to collide with the sun!”
“I will now read you some of my slam poetry.”
“We just got your test...
What are they affraid of?
Conservatives constaintly rail aginst the so-called “gay lifestyle” and fear that it will somehow corrupt our children. What exactly are they affraid of?
Here are seven possible answers.
“The gay lifestyle promotes playing with matches.”
“Terms like “Bear” will confuse our children and make it hard to understand the very real danger presented by, like,...
5 Word Reviews: Citizen Kane
Alright. I could do better.
7 Rejected Car Names
Ford Tortoise
Nissan Meh
GMC Molester
Maserati Slug GT S
Kia Fizzle
Subaru Incest
Vulva
Tag-line Rescue Program II
Every year, dozens of tag-lines are lost to callous re-branding and creative changes. I’ve been working to provide abandoned and abused tag-lines with new, loving brands. Here are 7 more examples:
Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t. Paxil CR.
Timberland Boots kill bugs dead.
Syrup of Ipecac, taste the rainbow.
Don’t you wish everything was made like Gatorade?
...
5 Word Reviews: The Social Network
Anxiously awaiting the sequel “Farmville”.
