Stirling with an "I"

7. Busytown Murders

6. Dora the Ex-convict

5. Wino Dan

4. Yo! Gabba Gabba, SVU

3. The Magic Shul Bus

2. The Fresh Beat Band of Brothers

1. The Carrie Diapers

7. Synchronized Drowning

6. Frenching

5. Beach Table Tennis

4. Women’s Advertising

3. Bitchin’ and Moanin’

2. Microblogging

1. Acrimony

7. Sit back, relax, and check your work email.

6. Plan how you’ll passionately defend yourself at your next performance review.

5. Feel guilty about not checking your work email more often.

4. Get angry at people who aren’t responding to your work emails, esp. those marked “urgent.”

3. Call the office to make sure it is actually closed, and that you havent been the victim of the most passive aggressive firing ever.

2. Check your outbox to confirm your urgent work emails were indeed sent.

1. Go in to the office to “get a head start on thing.”

Or maybe that’s just me.

I’m moving from New York to Chicago at the end of this week. Why? I’ll tell you why.I want to live around more women who look like Nancy Grace. New York winters are too mild for me. I’ve just got to see what this crazy Rahm Emanuel guy does next! Two words: George Wendt. There are just too many vegetarian options here. Two more words: Asian carp. This town just isn’t big enough for me and Hoda Kotb.

1. John John “Double John” Picaletti
2. Salvatore “It’s Not Delivery” DiGiorno
3. Edward “Two Kids” Corwin DDS
4. Mickie “Calls the Cops”
5. Geordi “LaVar Burton” La Forge
6. Joey “Bacterial Vaginosis” Metronidazolé
7. Vinnie “Tootie from Facts of Life” Scalfani

Dr. Gentleman in the Purple Scarf,

While exiting the subway station near my house this morning I sneezed. It was an unexpected sneeze. It kind of came out of nowhere. It was not a spectacular or noteworthy sneeze. Just a sneeze.

Now, as the father of two small children, and the husband of a public health professional, I am well aware of the need to cover one’s mouth while sneezing. This is not only good manners, but from an epidemiological perspective, very important.  Had I not been holding the railing with one hand, and my young daughter’s hand with the other, I most certainly would have attempted to sneeze in my gloved hand, or the crook of my arm. I apologize for not being able to do so.

I do, however, take slight issue with your response. If you recall, just as I sneezed, you snapped “Cover your mouth!” This was despite being more than 15 feet away from me at the time. You may also recall that, due to not having a free hand, I sneezed towards the wall. In other words, away from you.

It is for that reason that I hope our brief exchange of words, and in particular my stinging retort “No, you’re a jerk!” haunts you for the rest of the day.

My biggest regret is that I was in the process of walking my daughter to school. Had I been alone I would have A) covered my mouth and B) told you to jump up your own ass. I might also have called you any number of monosyllabic curse words. I may have even been able to deploy my personal favorite “You colossal bag of dicks!”

I know that life as a short, bald, slightly rotund man must be difficult. Perhaps this explains your need to give unsolicited public health advice to strangers in the company of small children. Still, next time I would encourage you to take your own advice. When you are about to speak, cover your mouth.

And by all means, jump up your own ass.

Thanks,

-stirling

Q: How do elephants hear through their feet?

A: Poorly.